What Not to Wear for Halloween

The fall season is finally upon us, and you know what that means – Halloween is just around the corner! If you’re anything like me you not only have an extensive collection of antique thimbles and candle snuffers, but you also have a surplus of deep rooted emotional issues that cause you to still revel in the squeamish joys that come with Halloween. Scary movies, haunted houses, trick-or-treating, waking up on November 1st in a gutter; Halloween always floods my mind with the fondest of memories. But, admittedly, there are some aspects of the holiday that aren’t so peachy and I’m not just talking about the razor-flavored candy that I got last year. I’m referring to the people who ruin Halloween by dressing up in the most obnoxious, obvious and played out costumes every year. These individuals are the same innovation-less meatheads who dressed up as Borat in 2006, Monica Lewinsky’s dress in 1998 and a sexy-something every single year since they got a fake ID (I’ll get to you people later). Since I want the fine visitors of eCollegeFinder.org to have the best Halloween they’ve ever had, I’ve decided to put together a list of costumes that will be worn by people named “Chet” or “Brad”, multiple people at the same party and are certainly the ones you’ll want to avoid this year.

1. Michael Jackson

image The popularity of King of Pop costumes have seen an ebb and flow over the years that has coincided with any of his facial rearrangements, baby danglings or child handlings. But this year should be the year-to-end-all-years for people to dress as ‘the gloved one’. And to be perfectly honest with you, I actually have little problem with inventive MJ costumes; decorum prohibiting me from listing a few of my favorites here. It’s just that I can guarantee you a majority of Halloween party goers and trick-or-treaters will be garbed in some variation of Jackson’s many looks. He’s certainly a personality that can be fun to dress up as, but stray from the herd this year and think outside the glove.

2. Wolverine (aka ‘Logan’, aka ‘Weapon X’, aka ‘I have no friends’)

image image There are several problems with dressing up as Wolverine. First and foremost, you can only dress as Hugh Jackman’s version of Wolverine from the X-Men films since donning the yellow spandex outfit from the comics will earn you looks of repulse at the punch bowl. Second, Hugh Jackman goes shirtless for about 98% of the X-Men movies and most of the people who’d actually want to dress as Wolverine look less like Hugh Jackman and more like Dom DeLuise. Third, you will not – I repeat – will not be able to ever get your hair like that no matter how much Paul Mitchell molding paste you use. And finally, how do you plan on getting all that adamantium to cover your bones? It’s too much of a hassle. I recommend for you to go with the infinitely cooler, ‘Shoeverine’.

3. Jon and/or Kate Gosselin

image image I’ll be the first to admit that it has to incredibly tempting for you women out there to take a stroll down Hilarious Street by dressing up as Kate Gosselin, of ‘Jon & Kate Plus Legal Separation’ fame. Her hair alone is an incredible source of comedic gold. And don’t even get me started on Jon Gosselin, of ‘Jon & Kate Plus Extramarital Affairs’ fame. Any guy who chain smokes, wears a Bluetooth earpiece to bed and refuses to dress in anything but skull & cross bone themed attire is ripe for Halloween mockery. But for reasons I’m sure you’re all too familiar with, this isn’t the year to show up as the couple with millions of problems and even more kids. You may want to consider dressing as Jon Gosselin’s best pal, Michael Lohan. All you’ll need is a daughter whose acting career is just about as dried up as her kidneys.

4. Barack Obama

image Presidents, ex-Presidents and Presidential scandals have always been a Halloween staple. From the infamous Nixon and Reagan masks (best used in the bromance classic, Point Break) to the aforementioned sullied dress of the Clinton-era, Halloween party-goers have and always will take advantage of the White House’s most famous tenant. That said, considering the historic nature surrounding our most recent presidential election, you’ll see an increase this year as people Barack-out. More importantly, for the first time in my life we have a president who is more boring and plain than my cousin Jacob. And he’s Amish. There really isn’t anything clever or humorous you can do to spice up an Obama costume since he hasn’t done anything ridiculous yet. But don’t worry, give him time. I have faith that he’s capable of harassing an intern or two by the end of this term.

5. A Sexy – ‘Blank’

image Ok. Just stop. Stop it. You look ridiculous. There is absolutely nothing sexy about a nurse or a police officer considering the fact that I’ve been arrested by one and probed by the other. And to be entirely truthful, the police officer did both. Year after year girls head out in droves as ‘sexy cats’ or ‘sexy accountants’, beckoning men to “audit” them. I don’t even know what that means. And while I definitely don’t mind the ‘sexy’ aspect of such a costume, the second half of the equation often falls prey to the most awful and basic of suggestive humor; degrading its wearer in far more harmful ways than the 8 square inches of material that the costume is made from. Plus, would your grandmother think that outfit is appropriate to go out in? I know that mine wouldn’t. But that’s mainly due to the fact that she considers an exposed female wrist to be, ‘scandalous’.